


I Can't Stand My Own Mind

by BetsyByron



Series: Collected wee fics [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Absent Characters, Dean - Freeform, Hurt, Killing, Spoilers, for 8x17, naomi - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-24
Updated: 2013-03-24
Packaged: 2017-12-06 08:55:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/733849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BetsyByron/pseuds/BetsyByron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There has been a lot of mistakes in Castiel's path, but Heaven is ready to give him a second chance. Getting Dean Winchester out of his life is a big part of that.</p><p>He has no choice. A thousand times over, he has no choice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can't Stand My Own Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Episode 8x17 hurt me. Poor baby. Leave him alone already.
> 
> Soundtrack: "What Can I Say" by Brandi Carlile

The first time it tears him apart, body and soul, it shreds him to pieces, it burns him inside out, it knocks the breath out of him, and he falls to his knees and lets Naomi see him cry.

And that’s only the first time he actually kills Dean. Before that there where the dozens, the hundreds of times he couldn’t, he just couldn’t, he froze, he ran, he screamed. Naomi has trained him well. She still has some way to go.

She lets him cry, she watches him cry with a disdainful gaze, like it proves the errors of his ways. Human feelings. Human flaws. Angels don’t cry.

It stops burning after 421 times.

It stops making him retch after 563 times.

It stops making him cry after 855 times.

He stops closing his eyes after 901 times.

Naomi makes it harder – Dean fights harder, he pleads, he calls his name, he begs.

He keeps killing him, the burning resumes. It burns like someone is scorching W R O N G, letter by letter in every inch of his flesh. He just doesn’t know what’s wrong anymore. The fact that he’s killing Dean. The fact that it makes him _feel_ this way, because he’s a fallen angel in more ways than one.

He fell for Dean Winchester so far down he’s not sure there’s a way back. However hard Naomi tries.

But she tries hard, and harder. He can feel her brainwashing him. Or putting him back the way he should be – a devoted Angel of the Lord. He doesn’t know anymore. He doesn’t know if she’s trying to save him or damn him. Because he fell for Dean Winchester and there’s no way back.

After 999 times, he has at least perfected his poker face. He lets Naomi’s voice, her orders, wash in and take over. He knows it’s not real. He knows he’s not actually killing Dean. It doesn’t burn. It doesn’t make him sick. It doesn’t make him cry. He did it so many times it’s a game now, a bloody, cruel game, battle training on dummies that only have the face of Dean Winchester.

The thousandth time he feels nothing at all.


End file.
